Broken Pieces of a Life
by EMISON1
Summary: A slightly AU story based on the Freeform show "Pretty Little Liars". Emily has recently been released from Welby State Mental Hospital after suffering a nervous breakdown. This story will focus on both the growing relationship of EMISON and Emily's recovery and treatment for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Rated M for language. WARNING: Triggering content!
1. Chapter 1: Release

**A/N: Thank you for taking the time to read this. This is my first stab at a PLL Fan fiction focusing around trauma. My story "Emily's Leave" touches on it with some of Emily's panic attacks, but nothing like this one will. I will say that I have personal experience with some of the things that Emily has been diagnosed with but I have never been admitted to a mental facility for it, so if there are errors in how I am describing that, please forgive me. I've done some research into things but I just don't have the experience. I am not trying to make light of it, I know how horrible it can be and I have the utmost respect and sympathy for people who may have had to suffer through that. This will be a multi-chapter story as Emily comes to terms with her trauma and realizes how much Alison still means to her. It will also be quite a journey for the Emison couple as they discover things about each other that they may not have known.  
Without further ado, I give you "Broken Pieces". I hope you like it. PLEASE feel free to comment and review below. It really does help! Cheers!**

 _An Empty room. Nothing but cold concrete walls, a metal chair, and a metal table with four switches on it each with a cable coming out the back. The wires were banded together on the floor with a zip-tie and fed through a small hole in the wall. Cameras sat in all four corners of the room along with speakers. The metal door was shut and locked and one, lone, solitary light, hung from the ceiling casting light down onto the brunette who was sitting in the chair, with wires attached to each of her wrists and her back. The air was chilled and the sound of a high pitched siren filled the room, echoing off the walls and punishing the ears of the brunette sitting in the chair covering her ears crying and begging for the sound to stop. She knew there was only one way to make it stop, one way that the sound would disappear and her ears would have a moment's peace but it was so hard to bring herself to do it. It meant that one of her three best friends would be shocked, or go without food or water for the day. It was cruel and she didn't understand why -A was doing this! She knew that -A was upset because they had managed to escape, but what was the point of making her torture her friends?_

 _Finally Emily Fields reached her hand out and flipped the switch for Aria Montgomery. The speakers stopped the terrible siren that had been punishing her ears, but before long she was being tormented by a new sound, the sound of her friend screaming. Emily sat in her chair, sobbing as she put her hands back on the arms of the chair and just sat there, pouting slightly waiting for the next command that -A gave. Her brown eyes scanned the switches in front of her as Aria's reset. One had a picture of Aria, another had one of Spencer, the third had one of Hanna and the last one, all the way to the left had a picture of Alison. That was perhaps the most heartbreaking switch of them all. At first Emily had thought that it was a switch that was connected to Mona, since -A had caught her and was using her as a stand-in for Alison, but -A had shown her that somehow she had actually caught Alison and was holding her. Furthermore, -A told Emily that the button was indeed programed to Alison, not Mona. Emily was heartbroken, but what she didn't understand was that Alison's button was not a test of her obedience to -A, it was a test of something much deeper, but that puzzle wouldn't become clear until after they all found out who -A really was. For now it would remain another mystery in -A's game._

Six-and-a-half years later

Emily Fields walked down the hall of Welby State Psychiatric Hospital in a pair of grey sweatpants with no draw string and the word "Sharks" written in blue down the right leg. She wore laceless slip-on shoes and a blue sweatshirt over her white t-shirt and sports bra. Her hair was left down because she wasn't allowed to have anything that she could use as a weapon. It wasn't violence towards others that they were worried about, but rather they were worried about Emily hurting herself. It was self-destructive behavior, bordering on suicide that got her admitted to Welby in the first place after a mental breakdown that was caused by the amount of stress she was putting herself through, or so they thought.

As it turned out Emily had been suffering for a long time, just no one thought enough about it to really have her examined or really dig deep enough to find out what the root cause of things was. She'd spent nearly two months in Welby going through things with her therapist on a daily basis. Dr. Connell was her psychiatrist and he'd made a detailed account of Emily's past, so far as he could get out of her in the daily sessions they had and even though they were preparing to discharge her to outpatient treatment, he still planned on seeing her daily until she could get a job and then only dropping to twice a week. He knew there was a lot of baggage there that needed to be dealt with.

Emily sat down at the small round table with a tray of food. Next to her sat Nurse Francis. Emily had always had a nurse with her when she ate to make sure that she actually did it. That was one of the other reasons Emily had ended up in Welby. She'd been so stressed out and hadn't been eating because she'd been spending all of her time trying to figure out what was happening with A.D. and trying to get Alison out of Welby while Rollins was still in charge of her case. All of this, plus the regular baggage she was trying to deal with had pushed Emily over the edge of exhaustion and completely wore her down. However now she was starting to show signs of improvement, and knowing that

Emily sat in the chair staring at her food, occasionally picking at it so that Nurse Francis wouldn't bother her too much about eating but the truth was Emily was just pushing the food around her plate more than she was eating it. She still wasn't 100% but she wanted out of Welby! She wanted to be out there helping her friends catch AD, but most importantly she wanted to be out of here so she could help Alison and protect her from whatever AD was going to throw her way. Her friends had visited her several times while she was in, but none of them had mentioned what was going on with AD, though she overheard Aria and Hanna talking about how Alison had no money now, which only made Emily's stress more but she had to control herself if she ever wanted to get out of Welby, and that was what she'd done.

Another nurse walked through the double doors and over to the nurse's station before over to the table where Nurse Francis and Emily sat. Her plate was about half empty, not that it had a lot on it to start with, and Emily was sort of picking at the rest of it.

"Emily, your ride is here." The nurse said.

Emily didn't wait for Nurse Francis' approval. She stood and brought her tray to the trash, dumping it before heading down the hall for her room. This was the fastest anyone had seen her move since she'd arrived at Welby, but she knew who was coming to pick her up that day. It wasn't her mother, or any of the other girls, it was Alison. If there was one thing Emily had come to realize while she had been in Welby it was just how much Alison still meant to her. She had spent so much time trying to convince herself that she was over Alison, but anyone with a pair of eyes knew that it was a load of crap. That was why Rollins had tried so hard drive a wedge between Alison and all of her friends, but especially Emily.

Emily grabbed her two bags and headed out. She walked through the double doors and down to where the locked iron bar door was. On the other side was her golden haired angel talking with one of the nurses and being given a packet of papers about Emily's treatment, and her medication and her outpatient schedule. Since Pam was off on a "Gold Star" tour with other Army widows, Emily needed a guardian to make sure she continued her treatment. It was a condition of her release and since Alison had plenty of room in her house, she had surprisingly volunteered.

The door buzzed and was swung open by one of the orderlies as Alison turned from the nurse and smiled at Emily. She wore a simple grey sweatshirt, and a pair of blue skinny jeans. She held her car keys and the paperwork in one hand as she offered Emily her bright, signature smile. Her crystal blue eyes seemed to glow at the tanned girl who rushed through the door and into her arms. For a moment Emily tensed as she rushed into Alison's arms, but it only took a moment for her to relax. Rushing out of somewhere she didn't want to be, and into Alison's arms reminded her too much of when they had all escaped the Dollhouse. That memory still warmed Emily's heart. Through the thick smoke, and the number of other people who were there, Alison had found Emily. Emily, coughing, and almost blind from the smoke had found Alison. They had found each other. It was what soul mates did.

The two stood in the lobby hugging for what felt like several minutes but in those minutes Emily felt calm, and at peace and the world just melted away. This was what love was. She'd never felt this way hugging anyone but Alison. Even her Dad hadn't brought her this kind of peace. Only Alison could and with all the time she had been afforded to think while she was in Welby, Emily began to realize just what all of this meant and what she had to do about it, but she was still nervous.

"Hi." Alison said gently as they finally broke their hug. Alison kept her hands on Emily's forearms as they stood there looking at each other. Alison's eyes glowed at her, and Emily smiled for the first time in what seemed like forever.

"Hi." Emily said in return keeping her hands on Alison's forearms as well. She looked at the large packet of papers that Alison had in her hand. She could only imagine what those were but the truth was she didn't want to. They were the hospital's way of keeping her in their control once she was gone. She cursed the day Mona had found her in Lucas' flat, laying half on the floor and half on the coffee table with a saucer-sized bruise on her face from where she'd hit the table on the way down. Despite what everyone had said about Welby and their fears for Alison's safety, Mona still took her there before any of her other friends knew that she was even sick. 'Fucking Mona.' She thought as she went back to how she'd gotten there.

Alison gently squeezed Emily's arm pulling her back to the present, "Come on, Em. Let's get home." She smiled warmly at Emily and took her hand leading her out of the hospital and into the bright daylight of the mid-morning sun. That simple touch of Alison's hand in hers was enough to warm her heart and feel like a blanket of security had been wrapped around her.

Emily walked out into the sun, feeling the warm rays hit her tanned skin. Her dark hair lacked it's usual shine because of the crappy shampoo that they had to use while they were in there, but still feeling the natural air on her body again was enough to make her feel better. It had been true that Emily needed a break, and it still was true. Emily Fields needed a break and some time away from the problems that were plaguing her, but that time didn't need to be spent in Welby. She hadn't rested or recovered at all while she was in there, it just pissed her off even more because she felt more useless than she had before.

Emily got into Alison's car and sat there as Alison flipped through the packet of papers and pulled out two slips, "Alright first stop, Pharmacy." She said somewhat excited before putting her seatbelt on and putting the rest of the papers in the back seat, "So what did you want for dinner Em? I'll make you anything you want. Your favorite is that tortellini in the light alfredo sauce, right?"

Emily couldn't help but smile shyly and bit her lip. Alison actually remembered what her favorite dish was. "Yeah..." She said as Alison pulled out of the parking lot and onto main street, "...but at this point I'd go for anything as long as it didn't taste like cardboard."

Alison laughed, "You noticed that too, huh?" She sighed slightly but was still amused. Alison's time at Welby had been even less pleasurable than Emily's and any thought of it reminded her that her ex husband had completely screwed her over and stolen every dime she had. Thankfully Jason and her father were helping her out with money while the police tracked down Rollins, or Archer, or whatever his name was, but now wasn't the time to think about that. Now was the time to think about her dearest, most cherished friend sitting in the car next to her, released from the same prison she'd been in.

Alison dropped off the prescriptions and the two of them went grocery shopping before picking up the prescriptions and heading back to the pharmacy to pick up the drugs. Emily was on 15mg of Prazosin, 50mg of Lexapro, and 100mg of Citalopram. Each dealt with a different symptom, the Prazosin was meant to deal with her nightmares and insomnia, the Lexapro was meant for her anxiety, and the Citalopram was the anti-depressant. What surprised Emily was that they didn't put her on anything for panic attacks. That was perhaps the first symptom that had reared it's head and it started the day of Alison's funeral all those years ago, but no one had thought to ever have her treated for it. Instead Emily's mother and father had done what they could to help her, but it wasn't until Alison came home that they realized what would really work. Any time Emily had one of her panic attacks that she'd lost Alison, Pam would pick up the phone and frantically call the blonde to come help. Within ten minutes of being with Alison, Emily was fine, where as it had taken over a half an hour to calm her down before.

As Alison's car pulled into the driveway and she put it in park Emily took a breath and looked at the blonde for a long moment. Her face held a soft expression, one of caring, and deep love, but she couldn't say it, there was just too much going on and she'd just gotten out. Still it was enough to make the pink rise to Alison's cheeks and for her to turn her face, "What? Did my make-up run or something?" She asked laughing, "Come on Em, let's get you settled." She got out of the car and walked around grabbing some of the grocery bags. She put the papers and Emily's medication in one as she saw Emily grab her own bags out of the car and wait for Alison. Alison was excited to have Emily there, she knew that they both would benefit from it, but she didn't realize just how much they would benefit from it. That this experience would change both their lives for the better, something that was long... long overdue.


	2. Chapter 2: Nightmares

**A/N: I am so thankful for everyone who has taken the time to read the first chapter of this. The second chapter is coming relatively quickly. I can't promise when Chapter 3 will be posted, so please understand I may need patience on this. This chapter will give you a bit of an idea what Emily's nightmares are like as well as Emily and Alison's unspoken feelings. Please remember this chapter, you will want to refer back to it at some point in the story. That much I can promise you!**

 **I encourage you to review and comment. I love reading them, and in many cases they give me good ideas for future things to work into this. As always; ENJOY!**

 _"Press the button, Emily." The calm male voice said over the speakers. There was no malice to it, except for what it wanted her to do, "Press the button or you take her punishment. Is that really what you want? Can you really take the punishment for a girl who tormented you for so many years?" That voice was haunting._

 _Emily sat and sobbed, "No!" She screamed in-between sobs, "NO! I won't do it, I won't hurt her! Do what you want to me, but leave her alone!" She sobbed harder, her breath feeling like it was being taken from her because she was so hurt, so devastated and she'd been crying for so long. Just when she didn't think she could cry anymore, she found new tears and it all started over again._

 _"If you insist." The voice said._

 _Emily reached out and ran her fingers over one of the pictures attached to one of the switches but a moment later she was jarred into a rigid position as an electric shock ran through her body her jaw was clenched shut and she could almost feel herself drooling as a result of the electrocution. It only lasted a few seconds but it felt like so much longer and the whole time Emily's brown eyes never left that picture._

Emily sat up in bed screaming. Her tank-top and shorts were completely soaked as were the sheets she'd been sleeping under. Her hands went to her wrists and then her back as she looked around. For a moment all she saw were the plain stone walls, the empty room, the metal table, and it took her a full minute to realize she wasn't there, she was safe, she was in Alison's house, in the guest bedroom.  
"No.. No... Not again. No!" She kept saying, breathing heavily while she tried to ground herself. She shot out of bed and was standing in the middle of the room before she even realized what happened, her breathing still completely ragged and broken as she tried to settle down from the nightmare she'd just had.

Alison slept relatively peacefully in her bed. The same bed she'd slept in since she was a young girl. The pink comforter tucked up around her with her blonde hair sprawled over the pillow. She had a peaceful look on her face as her blue eyes remained closed until the sound of screaming could be heard from down the hall.

Alison threw the covers back and jumped out of bed. She didn't even worry about putting on socks or anything. She ran down out of her room and down the hall in nothing but an oversized sweatshirt and a pair of boyshorts. She almost slipped as she made the corner out of her room and down the hall but she caught herself, "Em!" She called out but the screaming continued.

By the time Alison got to Emily's room Em was standing in the middle of the room trying to calm herself down. Alison's heart broke looking at her dearest friend in this much of a broken state. Slowly she walked in, "Em..." She said gently reaching out to touch her. She knew it was dangerous, she'd actually fallen asleep reading the information that Welby had given her on Emily's condition and one of the possibilities was violent outbursts when in a triggered state. But she knew Emily, Emily would never hurt her, even if she was in an alarmed state.

"Em..." She said again as she closed the distance and Emily turned to look at her. She could see how broken up Emily was and it hurt her even more. Alison wrapped her arms around Emily as Emily began to cry.

"I'm sorry..." She sobbed, "I... I... I didn't mean to wake you." She cried feeling the warmth of Alison's embrace behind her. It felt so right but at the same time just made her feel even worse. This is why she'd done what she'd done, this is why she'd suffered so badly. The blonde standing behind her, the one shining light Emily had in her life. Her friends were great, she loved them all dearly, but they weren't Alison.

"Shhhhhh.." Alison gently rocked Emily back and forth as she stood, with her arms wrapped around Emily's waist and her head on the back of her shoulder, feeling how wet her skin was from the seat, "It's ok... I'm here." Alison hated seeing any of her friends hurt, but Emily most of all. Alison had a lot of time to reflect while she'd spent all those years on the run and she'd realized just how important friendship and keeping those she held most dear close to her. It had changed her and made her regret so much of what she'd done in her youth.

After several moments, when Emily's breathing started to calm and return to normal Alison gently pulled away and turned Emily around, "You're ok... see, I'm right here." She smiled at her, gently coming the wet locks of Emily's hair out of her face, "Now... let's get you into some clean clothes and you can come sleep in my bed. We'll just sleep, I promise."  
Emily nodded slowly but stayed frozen in place still trying to come back from her nightmare. Alison's fingers wrapped in the bottom of Emily's shirt and started to pull it up, "Come on hon, let's..."  
"NO!" Emily pushed her shirt back down and recoiled. Alison looked completely startled and in fact hurt over what seemed like Emily's rejection. She didn't understand it. What had she done? Emily calmed herself, "I.. I'm sorry. I'll do it myself. I'll see you in a minute." She knew it was cryptic and she knew it was probably scaring Alison but she couldn't let Alison see her. She had managed to keep her back hidden for six years, she couldn't let Alison see it now. It would lead to too many questions and Emily couldn't tell Alison the truth, she'd never told anyone the truth but she knew Alison would feel responsible and she couldn't bring that guilt onto the one woman she loved.

Alison nodded slowly, knowing Emily was not in a good place right now. Still it stung a little bit that her Mermaid would reject her like that. She took a breath and walked out of the room and back to hers trying not to read too much into what Emily had just done. It was ok, Emily was just in a horrible place right now and needed to have some space to calm herself down after her nightmare before she joined Alison. That was what she kept telling herself.

Emily quickly pulled her shirt off and threw it on the floor before grabbing a t-shirt and pulling it on and then changing her underwear and shorts. She pulled her clothes together and tossed them in the netted bag she had for her dirty clothes before padding her way down the hall to Alison's room. She saw the blonde sitting cross-legged on the bed looking at her. She looked so hurt despite her best efforts to look normal, Emily knew.

"I'm sorry." Emily said softly, "I didn't mean to snap like that." She bit her bottom lip for a moment before speaking again, "Thank you..." She cautiously walked towards the bed, watching Alison's reaction carefully, "Thank you for coming after me."

Alison's expression turned from one of sorrow and rejection to one of caring, "Of course, I didn't invite you to stay with me to ignore you." She said with a light laugh before she pulled the covers back on the other side of the bed, "Now come on, let's get some sleep. We've gotta have you to Dr. Sullivan's by eight, and then I have to head to school." She smiled softly snuggling down into the bed herself.

Emily walked around the bed and crawled into bed turning with her back facing Alison so that she wouldn't worry about doing anything she wasn't supposed to. She had no idea how Alison really felt about her and she had no idea where Alison was since everything had happened with Rollins. Was she even ready for a relationship? Did she even want one? These were the things that floated through Emily's mind as she closed her eyes and drifted to sleep.

 _-Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!-_

The alarm next to Alison's bed went off. She rolled over and hit the snooze button, knowing it meant she had another five minutes. She rolled back over and that was when she realized the tanned face laying next to her and the arm that was around her waist. Alison couldn't help but smile sweetly at her mermaid laying in bed next to her. It had been too long since she'd woken up with the woman she loved laying next to her. The truth was Alison knew she was in love with Emily, but for whatever reason she still couldn't bring herself to say it. She knew that she had to, she could tell there was still something there on Emily's end too, but she was still so scared to actually say anything.

Alison looked at Emily, her eyes gazing at the peacefully sleeping brunette. Alison thought about everything they'd been through. She thought about when Emily had first confessed her feelings for her. She thought about the letter that Emily had sent her confessing everything and how she'd never really gotten a chance to discuss it because she'd been forced to leave and it was one of the biggest things she regretted. When Alison saw Emily again several years later in the warehouse she told her that she would do it differently if she could have, and one of the first things she would have done is given up her popularity to be with the one girl who truly loved her for who she was, not who they wanted her to be.

 _-Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!-_

Alison sighed and rolled over and turned the alarm off before rolling back and gently using her fingers to brush some hair out of Emily's face, "Mermaid..." She whispered gently before leaning up and kissing the top of Emily's head, "Mermaid... it's time to wake up." She smiled softly at her as Emily began to stir, "Good morning Em." She said softly.

Emily opened her eyes and realized her arm was around Alison and momentarily panicked until she heard the soft tone of Alison's voice. It was the most peaceful wake-up Emily had ever had. She took a deep breath and quietly smiled at Alison, "Morning Ali."

Alison smiled not wanting to get too familiar, but she had the longing to lean out and kiss her good morning but she didn't, "How'd you sleep?" She asked with a gentle smile as she just laid in bed and looked at Emily.

"Much better, thanks. I'm sorry I was crowding you." Emily replied timidly.

"Nothing to be sorry for." Alison said, "It wasn't like I was pushing you away." She smiled, laughing a little, "How about you get in the shower and I'll make us some coffee?"

Emily nodded, "Yeah I don't do much without coffee, but showering I could probably manage."

Alison smiled, "Alright, come on I got an hour to get'cha to Dr. Sullivan's." Alison pulled herself from the bed, as much as she would have much rather stayed curled up next to Emily.

Emily laid in bed for another minute before getting up and showing herself to the shower. Emily thought about how she'd slept that night and realized it was probably better than she'd ever slept before. There was something about being with Alison that just made everything ok. She knew that she needed to deal with things, that she needed to confront her feelings but she knew that it wasn't time, not yet.

Emily and Alison walked out of the house forty-five minutes later. Each had a travel mug of coffee in their hand as they got into Alison's car. They'd just chatted and enjoyed their morning together, each of them thinking of the same thing; their feelings for the other, but neither could say anything about it to the other. The time would come, but it wasn't now. Each of them was worried how the other would respond. It was like a barrier keeping the two of them apart and not allowing them to tell each other how they really felt.

Pulling up to the hospital Emily got out of the car and leaned through the window, "Thanks. I'll see you tonight?"

"Yeah. Hanna's gonna pick you up from here at ten and take you back to my place. Just make yourself at home. There's tons of lunch food in the fridge." Alison said, "And you can text me whenever. I'll have my phone on."

"Ok. Don't worry I'll be fine." Emily said trying to play it cool.

"Well I do worry about you, Em, so no stopping me." She laughed

Emily sighed, but inside she was smiling brightly knowing how much Alison cared about her, "I'll see you later." She said with a soft smile before she turned and walked into the hospital while Alison drove away. She paused a moment and watched her go before turning in and heading to the outpatient check-in. She checked in and then sat in the chair before the dark haired doctor walked out, "Emily." She said looking at the girl she'd known since high school.

Dr. Anne Sullivan had dealt with the girls, both on a group basis and an individual basis since they were in high school trying to deal with Alison's death. Hanna had proven challenging, but Emily was one of her most difficult cases because of the panic attacks and her deep love for the blonde. However Dr. Sullivan admired how much Emily held onto Alison's memory. It was rare to find someone who really understood love that well particularly at such a young age.

"Hi Emily." She said with a smile as Emily walked past her and down the hall to Dr. Sullivan's office.

Emily saw her file sitting open on Dr. Sullivan's desk and guessed that the inpatient ward had sent it over. She sat on the plush chair, and sighed holding onto her coffee cup with both hands, "Hi." She said quietly wondering what Dr. Sullivan would want to talk about. There was plenty of material in that file, but even then she hadn't gone into what had really happened in the Dollhouse. She'd told no one that secret, except the demons who haunted her at night and it seemed they knew it already. There was no escape from them, but Emily had learned how to fight them long ago, when Alison was thought to be dead.

Dr. Sullivan walked over and smoothed her pencil skirt before sitting down in the chair, "Ok, Emily... I was hoping we could just take a quick breeze through what you covered in Inpatient." She began and so the long hour would begin, an hour that Emily would have much rather spent with Alison, but even she knew this sort of healing was important, she'd be no use to Alison or anyone else if she were still a jumbled mess of triggers. She had to get through this, but it would be far from easy. She would do it, but she would do it for Alison, not herself, everything she'd ever done, everything she'd ever suffered had been for her soul mate.


	3. Chapter 3: Triggers

**A/N: Anyone who knows anything about trauma will know what triggers are. Triggers are things that happen that remind trauma survivors of what they've been through and can have very bad results. Please keep in mind this chapter may be triggering to some and may have some difficult material. I would suggest reading chapter 2 if this chapter doesn't make sense. Everything will be explained, all I ask is patience.  
Thank you all for your kind words of support and your reviews. I'm so glad this story is taking off so well. It is my hope to do more of these stories focused around Trauma. So stay tuned. Please leave comments and reviews. I'm always anxious to read them. ENJOY!**

 _"_ _...Well I've gone and confessed my regrets,  
And I pray I'm not held in contempt,  
I'm so lost and I need you to help me with this.  
Oh, Lord have mercy on my soul, yeah,  
Oh I'm beggin' I'm beggin' I'm beggin' I want'cha ta know,  
That I'm down upon my knees, Oh Lord!  
I need forgiveness,  
I need forgiveness, from you…" _

Christina Aguilera's powerful voice came to an end as the song faded and Alison's finger pressed the power button. The bright red painted fingernail was in bright contrast to the dark interior of her car's plastic coverings. It was still bright, despite the school year getting closer it was still staying light into the eight even the nine-o'clock hour. Labor day weekend was right around the corner, and with it came all the fun things of fall, leaves and pumpkins and Halloween, but it had always been bitter for the five girls. It was the weekend that Alison had been forced to fake her own death and run away. For Alison, it was the night her own mother had buried her alive. This was never a good weekend for them.

More than that Alison knew it was also going to be near the time the police found Bethany Young's body thinking it was Alison's, so she knew how badly Emily would take it. She felt so awful about having to run out on everyone but most of all she felt awful for having to run out on Emily. She had read in the paperwork from Welby some of what Emily suffered and she knew all of the references to Emily's abandonment issues could be laid directly at Alison's feet. She'd broken this poor girl. She'd used her, and manipulated her, and played her for years and even now, even after being home for all these years she could never make-up for that. She loved Emily with everything she was. She knew that now. Even Elliot, or Archer or whatever he was calling himself, couldn't keep Emily away from Alison. They were soul mates, Alison was convinced of it and she had to find a way to tell Emily that she did love her that much, and she prayed Emily still loved her too.

Alison walked into her house with a paper grocery bag, her white purse over her shoulder, a canvas bag full of school work, and her empty coffee mug. She was wearing the same striped dress she'd been wearing this morning along with some white wedge heels. Her blonde hair was left down but had a bit of a wave to it. Alison wasn't spending as much time dolling up as she once had. She realized it didn't matter, she wanted to look good and look professional but for Alison it wasn't about looking hot or sexy anymore, that is not for anyone but Emily of course.

The house was eerily quiet, "Em?" Alison called as she used her foot to shut the door, "Emily." She called again walking in and setting her keys down on the table along with her purse. It was where she always left them when she came home. Alison started to get nervous, "Emily!" She shouted again as she entered the kitchen and set the bags down.

Alison headed up the stairs and looked around, "Em?" She said as she ducked her head into Emily's room. The comforter was in a pile on the foot of the bed and the linen was cleaned off and put in the hamper. New linen was there, but hadn't been put on yet, Alison would remember to do that later. It wasn't until she was about to call for her again that she saw her. Emily curled up on Alison's bed with her brown hair sprawled across the pillow and her arms clutched firmly around one of Alison's pillows, her face nestled in it like it was nestled in the back of Alison's neck. Alison's blue eyes softened as she stood in the door and looked at Emily sleeping so peacefully. In that moment Alison decided that Emily wouldn't be sleeping alone if she had anything to do about it.

Alison walked over and sat by the edge of the bed and gently moved some of Emily's hair out of her face. Alison had seen Emily sleep before. Even when they were younger, when Alison had first come back it had always been broken sleep, plagued with nightmares and panic attacks, but this didn't look like that, this was peaceful, gentle, and quiet. Emily was really finding peace in that moment and Alison almost hated to wake her up from it but she knew it was time for Emily's meds. She had to wake her up, but she realized this was her chance to get some stuff off her chest without Emily knowing she'd said it. She bit her lip, nervously before taking a deep breath, "Em… My sweet, sweet Em." She said gently looking at the brunette sleep, "I'm so sorry." She said, feeling the guilt start to swell up, "I was so horrible to you, to all of you but to you most of all. I knew you loved me, and if I were honest with myself I loved you too. I just didn't know how to say it and was too afraid to actually learn how." She looked down at her fingers, which were twisting and moving in her own lap, "What I did to you is unforgivable and I don't know how you could ever forgive me but time and time again you have." She could almost feel the tears coming but she didn't want to let them fall, "You have always been my favorite, my dearest friend, and the only one I've ever truly loved." She paused again, "I love you Emily Fields."

Just as Alison had finished, Emily's hand reached out and gently touched hers. Alison froze, had Emily been awake this whole time? Had she heard everything she'd just said? It wasn't until Emily pulled Alison's hand towards her and snuggled closer to the pillow that she realized Emily was just acting out of subconscious muscle memory. Her mind wanted Alison's hand and just happened to have found it. The thankful part of this was that Alison was there to give it to her, or there was a chance Emily could have gone into another panic attack thinking that Alison was gone again.

Another five minutes and Alison gently woke the sleeping beauty. Emily had woken and stumbled downstairs. She seemed to be completely oblivious to what Alison had said but Emily had heard almost all of it. She heard enough to know how guilt ridden Alison still was about everything which only solidified her decision to never tell her what happened in the dollhouse because she knew that Alison would blame herself.

Once both of them were downstairs and Alison was cutting up the cabbage for cole slaw, she asked Emily how therapy went since it was her first day of outpatient treatment. She knew for herself, it had worked well, but she knew everyone was different and as much as Emily didn't want to go back to Welby, Alison knew she might not take to it as well.

"It was ok. We talked about my dad and stuff like that." Emily said purposely omitting the part here Doctor Sullivan had managed to pull Emily into talking about her feelings for Alison and how that had affected her as a child and how it affected her now. Emily hadn't gone into all that much detail with the doctor but suffice it to say that it had been enough to unnerve her. Emily was still very much in love with Alison and that was something that she didn't want to make public knowledge but it seemed Dr. Sullivan had figured it out in no time. "She wants me to start looking for a job soon."

"You just got out." Alison said turning slightly in surprise.

"I know but she said it'll be good to keep my mind occupied on something." Emily replied, "So I suppose I should walk to the Brew and get a paper tomorrow. Lord knows I'm not going back to the Radley to tend the bar."

"I don't blame you there." Alison said, "Actually, why don't you come in tomorrow? They are hiring a new swim coach, and I bet you'd get the job without a problem." She smiled brightly, "Besides we'd be working together so we could have lunch together and all sorts of stuff." Alison was actually getting far more excited about this than she should have, but the truth was she WAS excited about it. She longed for the chance to work side by side with her mermaid, seeing her teach other kids the one thing that she loved so much.

"I… I guess. I mean it can't hurt right?" Emily asked biting into a carrot as she leaned on he kitchen island thinking about what it might be like to teach kids the sport she excelled at for so long until her shoulder injury after saving Aria from the car, and of course… the dollhouse.

It had taken some doing, but after dinner, and they watched some shows on TV, Alison had convinced Emily to sleep in her room again. Alison had explained to Emily that she noticed that Emily slept much better in Alison's bed than she did in her own.

The night passed fairy seamlessly for both of them. Emily woke up a couple times from nightmares but it was nothing like the first night. These were small nightmares, and one of them was the loss of Alison but waking up and seeing her blonde hair spread out across the pillow next to her fixed the potential panic attack that she would have had. Emily was embarrassed by the panic attacks and she longed more than anything for a way to make them stop but nothing seemed to work. Even having Alison there didn't seem to…then she thought about it. Having Alison there did help because it stopped any attacks she might have had by waking up and having the blonde not be there. Perhaps this was a huge break-through, but the question was, what could she do about it? She couldn't follow Alison around like a lost puppy all day. UGH, there was no way out of this, or so she thought.

In the morning the two of them woke. Emily had woken first this time and gently coo'ed Alison awake. The two awoke and laid together gazing into each other's eyes for several long moments before they got up and headed for coffee and the shower. Emily was nervous about applying for the position but Alison was doing her best to comfort her and tell her that it would be ok. She was perfect for the position but Emily was constantly worried that her injuries would hold her back from it. She knew she could still swim but she knew she couldn't do it competitively which she was afraid they would want as a prerequisite. But Alison kept assuring her mermaid that she'd be fine.

Alison dropped Emily off at Welby and Hanna picked her up and took her to the school. It took some convincing but Emily told Hanna that she'd walk home. She needed the exercise and she knew that some time outside in the sun would do her some good. Vitamin E never hurt anyone, right? As Hanna drove off Emily walked in with a resume in her hand and stopped in at the office. She was told that the applications for the Swim team position were down in the locker room by the coach's office. Emily knew all too well where that was so it was no problem finding it. She paused only a moment to see if Alison was in her classroom but it seemed that she must have been in a meeting because the room was completely closed. So with a sigh Emily wandered down the halls towards the locker room. She arrived to see one of the sports coordinators sitting at a desk busily typing on a computer.

"Hi. I'm Emily Fields, I was hoping to apply for the coaching position." Emily said with some hesitation.

"Take this form, if you have a resume, staple it to be back. Please fill it out as best you can and bring it back. Someone will call you for an interview later." The sports coordinator said with little enthusiasm.  
Emily took the form and a clipboard and walked into the girls locker room to fill it out. She pulled out her phone and texted Spencer, telling her she'd be done with this in about ten minutes and that they could grab a late lunch if she wanted, not that Emily was very hungry but she so seldom was these days. It was part of why she'd been admitted to Welby in the first place.

Emily was too focused on her form to notice that another girl had arrived at the desk and had gotten the same form. However when she walked over and spoke Emily instantly knew the voice.

"Emily? Hi!" Paige McCullers said as she held her clipboard, "I guess we both had the same thought. How have you been?"  
Emily looked up at her ex girlfriend and smiled slightly. She'd always tried to remain friends regardless of the way that they had left things in California, "Ehh I've been better." She said, "But I'm surviving. It's kinda what I do. How are you?"

"Yeah I heard about your stay at Welby. I'm sorry." Paige said with some regret in her voice. She couldn't help but feel hat she was somewhat responsible, "I wish I'd have been here to help."

"It's ok." Emily said in a reassuring tone, "Ali's been helping me."  
Paige rolled her eyes but didn't say anything for several minutes, "Figures it'd be her."

Emily stopped writing and looked up at Paige before standing, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You've never been able to see it Em, but Alison has always wanted to control you. That's why she keeps leading you on but nothing ever happens. She's a manipulator Em and you'll never be free of her."

Emily shook her head, "No! You're wrong, she's changed so much. You've just been so blinded by your own hate, you couldn't even accept her apology when she tried to make amends to you."  
"That wasn't an apology, that was a show! She didn't mean that, it was another way for her to control you and gain your trust." Paige exclaimed setting her clipboard down and looking at Em, "I do actually care about you and that's why I'm saying this, Alison has never had your best interests at heart."  
"Stop it!" Emily said trying to turn away. Paige was starting to get to her. Threatening her love for Alison was a way to start one of her panic attacks or a flashback to the Dollhouse. She closed her eyes, "Please..." She whimpered.

"No... Not until you hear the truth, that your little Alison isn't the perfect angel you think she is. She's poisonous Em, and she only ever does things for herself." Paige pleaded with Emily, "One day you're going to have to push the button and choose..."

Paige couldn't finish her sentence because Emily had spun around and landed on top of Paige. Paige's head smacked against the tile of the locker room and Emily's fist connected with it next, landing on the left side of Paige's cheek. She wrestled with her exgirlfriend trying to get her off of her. She landed a couple of her own blows to Emily's abs before her fist connected with Emily's face.  
Emily was so angry that Paige's blows didn't even bother her. She wasn't even there, she was somewhere else. She was somewhere dark. She didn't even realize that it was Paige that she was beating on. Her fist just kept connecting with flesh and she hadn't even realized the damage she'd done. It wasn't until she felt someone pulling her off of Paige that she started to come back into the real world. Even then she wasn't clear enough to know what was going on.

Spencer had arrived just in time as she saw Emily land on Paige and land several blows on the girl's face. Spencer managed to get her arms around Emily's waist and pull her off, "EM! Emily what the fuck!?" Spencer said, which was rare for the Hastings to ever swear, "EM!"

Paige laid on the ground unable to really move as Emily got loose from Spencer, "Never again...' She said, "Not again." With that she turned and walked out of the locker room with Spencer following close behind only pausing a moment to check on Paige who was trying to get up.

This whole thing was a mystery to Spencer but she knew that something was going wrong. Something very bad was happening and it concerned her. Emily was never ever this volitile and had never been violent and yet she'd just witnessed her beating Paige to a pulp. This was a girl that Emily had professed to loving at one point and yet she'd just beaten her for no apparent reason that they could figure out. She was worried Paige would press charges. She knew what she had to do but she had to take care of Emily first, she had to get Em back to Alison's place.


	4. Chapter 4: Intrusive Thoughts

**A/N: Another signature symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is something called intrusive thoughts. In many cases it's an internal critic that is on a constant loop telling the victim how pathetic and horrible they are. It can come in many forms. It can even come in the form of the person's attacker, and the message some times varies but it is essentially that.  
Again, thank you so much for your thoughts and reviews. I love reading them so I hope you will continue. There will be more, the mystery is just starting to get unraveled. Sorry this took me so long to write but I was busy finishing graduate school and a bunch of other stuff. Hopefully the next installments won't take as long. Enjoy everyone!**

_  
 _"It's all your fault. They're going to send you back to Welby. You'll loose her again. Good job idiot, now they are going to take you from her forever. She'll move on and find someone far more deserving than you. You will be alone forever. No one will love you, more importantly she won't love you! You are a failure Emily Fields! Your father was disgusted with you before he died and you think he's looking down at you now? You couldn't be more fucking deluded."_

The thoughts continued on endless monologue the entire trip from the school back to Alison's house and Spencer had barely stopped the car when Emily jumped out and rushed into the house. She went straight to the bathroom and slid in on her knees and threw up. Her abs tightened up which cased her some pain based on the fact that Paige had gotten some good blows in, but every time she thought of everything that could happen because of the altercation she felt herself begin to wretch in horror. She couldn't believe what she'd just done, it was so unlike her and maybe she wasn't fit to get out of Welby! That's when it hit her. They were going to send her back, she'd acted out that violently against someone, they were going to send her back to Welby and then she really would loose Alison because who knows when, if ever, they would let her back out.

As Emily got up and flushed the toilet she had tears flowing down her eyes and not just from the vomiting. It was the fact that she clearly couldn't even control herself anymore. She was that crazy. She curled up on the couch and just sobbed feeling completely hopeless. How would she tell Alison this? Alison had taken her in, been her sponsor so she could get out of that hole, and this is what she did. She felt awful. She felt like the lowest form of life on the planet. This wasn't her and how could Alison love her if she was like this? Simple... she couldn't.

 _"Get your act together Fields... if you even want a chance with her, this is not the way to get it."_

Spencer drove away from the DiLaurentis house, her mind tried hard to wrap its self around what she'd just witnessed. She'd known Emily for years and she was never the violent one. It had taken a lot for her to punch Sara Harvey the night of Senior Prom, but this was more than just a single punch. Emily had beaten on Paige for several minutes. It was so unlike the swimmer to attack out of anger like that, particularly to attack people who actually meant something to her. It was just unbelievable. Spencer knew one thing, she had to do something to help.

Spencer turned the wheel of her car, knowing the one person who could actually help and would sympathize with Emily. Before she knew it she found herself sitting in front of the Rosewood Police Department. She sighed. Things had been awkward between Spencer and Toby since she'd come back to Rosewood and discovered that Toby was building a house and that he was preparing to propose to his girlfriend, Yvonne, who was the daughter of Veronica Hastings' campaign opponent. The two of them hadn't really seen each other outside of group events or campaign events. Still, Spencer knew that if anyone could help Emily right now it was Toby.

Walking into the Police department she asked one of the officer's where to find Sergeant Cavanaugh's office. They pointed down the hall where a light shown through the open door and the sounds of typing could be heard. Spencer smiled. So many good memories came back when she went to see Toby, but there was always the horrible feeling that he wasn't hers to have anymore. That knowledge was like a knife into her gut every time she remembered it. It was heartbreaking, especially since her brief romance with Caleb hadn't worked out.

A gentle knock went to Toby's door as Spencer leaned against the door frame, "Help me Toby-Wan Kenobi... you're my only hope." A playful smile graced Spencer's lips as she spoke.

Toby looked up from his paperwork at Spencer and offered her a gentle smile as he always did. He set his pen down and for a moment got soaked up in the smell of Spencer's perfume. Always the same thing. This time it was his turn to be flooded with old memories of their time together and it brought the softest smile to his face.

"What's up?" He asked as he leaned back in his chair.

Spencer regarded him for a moment as he looked so sexy in his uniform. She'd always thought so. She'd often thought of him using his handcuffs on her. She snapped herself out of that train of thought as fast as it had started before responding to him, "Emily needs help." She said with a sigh as she walked in and swung the door shut, not wanting anyone else to hear what she was going to tell him.

Toby's face grew concerned as Spencer spoke of Emily. He knew that she'd recently been released from Welby, and the thought of her going back wasn't something that any of the girls were really looking forward to and neither was he, "What happened?" He knew that if Spencer was coming to him for help then Emily had to be in some kind of trouble that could potentially be legal.

Spencer sighed, "We all know Emily's probably the least violent of any of us," She paused as Toby simply nodded, "Well I just walked into the locker room at the school to find her beating Paige to a pulp."

Toby's look of shock could not have been more evident on his face as he heard what Spencer had said, "Wait... you're saying Emily punched Paige? Her ex-girlfriend Paige?"

Spencer nodded, "Yeah... it was weird and before she left she said "Never again."

Toby's look of shock quickly turned to one of confusion, "Never again? What is that supposed to mean?"

Spencer shrugged, "Your guess is as good as mine. The obvious answer is that she never wants to date her again. I mean maybe they ended on bad terms. None of us really know what happened when she went to California."

"When does Spencer Hastings ever take the simple, obvious answer?" A chuckle came from them both, "I don't know what I can really do."

"I'm afraid Paige might try and press assault charges, if that happens..."

"Emily goes back to Welby." Toby finished the sentence, "If I get a complaint or hear about someone reporting it, I'll stall it as long as I can but I can't just make something like that go away."

"You're the best." Spencer said with a smile, "I didn't mean to bother you. I hope Yvonne doesn't mind."

Toby sighed and shrugged, "Doesn't matter what she thinks really. We split up a week ago."

Spencer looked sad, and for Toby she was, but she couldn't deny the leap of joy she felt in her heart, "I'm sorry... can I ask why?"

Toby stood as he heard his radio buzz and a call come in, "I don't know, just wasn't the one I guess." He offered her a comforting smile before grabbing his cap and jacket, "I've got to see to this call. I'll let you know if anything comes in about Paige."

"Thanks Toby." Spencer said with a smile and walked out of the office with Toby right behind her. Toby went to the dispatch desk and Spencer went back out to her car. She'd bought her friend some time, but Emily had to figure out what was going on. Spencer pulled out her phone and sighed as she brought up Alison's number and started to type a text message to her, hoping to catch her before the blonde went home.

Listening to a country song on the radio as she drove home from the local Rosewood market, Alison's phone chirped signifying that she had a text. She turned down the radio as she came to a stoplight and picked up her phone. It was a text from Spencer. She figured she could read it later, it didn't say anything urgent from what she could tell by skimming it. She put her phone down and started to drive again, pulling into her driveway ten minutes later. She paused as she looked at her phone and actually read the text message. Her heart began to beat faster as she read what had happened. She knew what Emily would do to herself after something like this. She knew that Emily would blame herself, that she would be terrified that they would send her back to Welby and Alison wasn't ready to loose her again. Not after she'd worked so hard to get Emily freed from Welby and was making such strides to helping Emily recover.

Alison grabbed her groceries and walked into the house not seeing Emily anywhere. She checked the living room and the den, but there was no sign of her. She quickly put away the milk and other cold items before heading upstairs knowing where she'd find Emily. She went straight into her room but yet, there was still no sign of Emily. Alison started to get worried as she walked quickly down the hall to the guest room where she found Emily laying on her bed with her back to the door clutching a pillow still sobbing. Alison's heart broke as she heard the love of her life crying. She slowly walked over and sat on the edge of the bed and reached over touching Emily's upper back, remembering how she'd freaked out when she'd tried to see her lower back.

"It's ok Mermaid. You slipped up, it happens." Alison said gently at she rubbed Emily's back. It was only then that she looked down and saw that Emily's shirt had ridden up a little and she could see a small sliver of the flesh of Emily's lower back. She saw something that looked like... scars. Alison thought back, she'd seen Emily's back a hundred times over in the pool and everything, how had she not noticed this? Then it hit her, Alison hadn't seen Emily's back since the Dollhouse. The pieces began to fall into place, something had happened to Emily at the Dollhouse that she'd never told anyone.

"Em..." Alison started softly, "...What happened in the Dollhouse?"

Emily laid there clutching the pillow struggling to breathe amidst the sobs that were coming. Just when she thought she was out of tears, more came. It wasn't until Alison asked her the question she'd been dreading for years that she spoke. She just shook her head, and couldn't even look at Alison when she said it, "No... I.. I can't." She sobbed, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Alison." She just laid there and cried, "I failed you. I'll pack up and..."

"Emily Catherine Fields you stop it right now." Alison said, her voice firm but caring, "You aren't going anywhere. Not if I have anything to do about it." She was terrified now that Emily would leave her. She couldn't loose her again. She had always hated the years she'd spent apart from her and had meant what she said when she'd met Emily in the warehouse all those years ago, that she'd do it all different if she could. She would have taken Emily with her. She wouldn't have rejected her so many times. She pushed the thoughts from her mind, she had to. Alison needed to comfort Emily now, and yet here she was riddled with her own guilt and about to cry.  
"And if Paige reports what I did?" Emily managed to say, though it was barely audible.  
"Don't worry Mermaid. Nothing's going to happen to you. I promise." Alison said, "When I'm done with that no-neck bitch, she won't even exist." Alison had said those words once before in regards to Paige because she needed to defend her popularity. There was no real reason behind her cruelty, but this time, this time she was going to be defending her soul mate. The woman she loved was in danger of being locked away forever, and there was absolutely no way Alison was going to allow that to happen. She knew what she had to do the next day, before school started, Alison had to ensure that she had something to use against Paige, something that would keep her quiet for good.


	5. Chapter 5: Better Left Forgotten

**A/N: Thank you all so much for your patience. I know it's been a long time since I've updated this but here's another chapter. Hopefully there will be more soon. I'm trying to get more active in writing my fan fictions. With the conclusion of PLL, I'll be working in some stuff that keeps this story somewhat in sync with the show. This chapter ties all of the nightmares and triggers together. I would advise going back and giving the other chapters a quick read-over before continuing with this one. This one tells all, but will Emily tell all? Stay tuned and find out.  
Thank you to everyone who has followed and supported me thus far. Your comments and feedback have been invaluable to me. Please don't stop, I love hearing from all of you! **

The following morning Alison had woken early but stayed with Emily who had finally gotten some sleep after crying herself into a coma. She knew if she'd left early that Emily would awake without her and that would only make things worse. Emily was in a dangerous enough state without having to worry about where Alison was, but once Emily was awake and had her coffee and her medication, Alison headed out. She told Emily that she had some errands to run before school and while they sounded like general errands that didn't matter, Alison was on a mission, a mission to save her soul mate from the walls of Welby.

Alison pulled up outside of Rosewood Police Department and sighed before turning her car off and walking in. Alison had tried hard over the past few years to be a good person, to prove to the community that she had changed and was a better person than she was when she left, but in this moment she had that same bitchy, angry face that she always had before. It was the face she had when she'd first confronted Paige outside of the Brew with Charlotte watching from her car. It was the look she always had when she was about to destroy someone and that was what she planned on doing.

Alison walked up a few steps before looking behind her. She felt eyes on her but that wasn't unusual in this town. What was unusual was that she had chills up her spine. She turned and her blue eyes beheld a person in dark blue jeans looking at their smartphone. There was nothing unusual about that, but when she saw the black hooded sweatshirt that the person was wearing her heart beat faster and she ran the last few steps and into the police building. She closed the door and frantically pawed through her purse and grabbed her phone. Nothing. No text messages, no blocked numbers. She took a moment and focused on her breathing before putting the phone back in her purse. She realized that the black hoodie was a trigger for her and that she was safe, it was just some normal townsperson going about their life.

After calming herself down Alison remembered why she was there and the determined look returned to her face as she walked in. Her heels clicked on the floor as she walked right by the front desk and around the corner to Toby's office. She paused only to knock before taking a step in. Toby was filling out some paperwork, the computer monitor gently illuminating the side of his face. This was someone else that Alison had tortured as a child, even worse she'd had him sent to prison on a lie. There was no way to ever forgive something like that.

Toby looked up and raised an eyebrow, "Well, well... what brings Alison into the Police Station? Trying to get someone arrested for something they didn't do?"

That stung. Alison took a breath, "Toby you know how awful I feel about that! I know I can never fix that, but I'm so so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't give me that time back." Toby said with some bitterness clear in his voice.

"I know."

"So why are you here?" Toby asked bluntly.

"I'm here for Emily." Alison said, "She needs your help."

Toby leaned back in his chair, "I know... Spencer was here yesterday and told me what happened. Emily attacked Paige and no one knows why. Do you?"

Alison shook her head, "I have no idea." She said, her voice weak in that moment as she found the chair in front of Toby's desk, "I'm afraid Paige will try to press charges."

"Spencer mentioned that. I'm going to try and stall it if I hear about it." Toby said, "I don't want to see Emily go back to Welby any more than the rest of you do."

"Thank you." Alison said, "But I was hoping you could look into her record and find out if there's anything... bad in Paige's past. Maybe if I can confront her with it, then..."

"...then you can blackmail her into not pressing charges on Emily." Toby said, "Really Alison? You're going back to this?"

"I'm not doing it for myself! If it were happening to me, I wouldn't care. I'd deserve it! But Emily doesn't and you know that!" Alison said, the strength and defiance coming back into her voice, "Please Toby. You know I wouldn't come here and ask this of you if it wasn't important. If they send Emily back to Welby there's no telling when she'll get out and I don't think any of us could save her from herself."

Toby sighed and stayed quiet for several minutes. He hated that he was even considering helping Alison but he knew that it wasn't Alison he was helping, it was Emily. Out of all the girls in the group, even Spencer, Emily had been the first who had ever accepted him and been kind to him. They had a special friendship, one that was almost like a pair of siblings. He would never trust Alison, but he knew that Emily was worth more than this. Finally he slowly nodded, "Yeah... I'll see what I can do. But for Emily, not for your own vendetta against Paige."

Alison nodded, "That's fine. I don't want any of this for me, but Emily deserves her chance to get better and to heal."

Toby nodded in agreement, "She does." He stood from his chair and walked over and grabbed his coat and cap, "Come on, I've got some stuff to do, but I'll start looking some stuff up later." He showed Alison out of the Police Station and waited until the blonde was in her car and driving to the school before he got into his cruiser. Something was bothering him and he had to get to the bottom of it.

First Spencer and now Alison had come to plead with him to help Emily and there was something about Emily's behavior that was bothering him. It was unlike her to lash out at someone she cared about. Toby couldn't put his finger on it but he knew that something had to be happening in her head. He knew that everything that had happened with -A and now AD was wearing on all the girls but it seemed to be hurting Emily even more. Something was torturing her, deep in her soul and he hoped he could get through to her and get her to open up about whatever it was.

Toby pulled up outside of the DiLaurentis house and got out. The air was warm but the wind made it a little chilly. He walked up the steps and knocked on the door waiting for Emily to answer. his mind going a mile a minute trying to think of how best to approach this. It was such a delicate situation that it had to be handled with care.

Emily had been sitting in the living room watching tv, but not really watching whatever morning show was on. It was background noise as she tried to combat the thoughts in her mind. The fear of being sent back to Welby, but more importantly the fear of loosing Alison without ever telling her the truth but she didn't know how to tell her. She didn't know how to tell the woman she loved how much she meant to her, and tell her the truth about what was really going on.

Hearing the doorbell made Emily almost jump out of her skin. Her heart beat faster as she got up and walked over. She wore her Shark sweatpants and a tank-top. Her hair was down and her feet were bare as they padded across the carpet. Seeing the uniformed police officer in front of the door made her start to panic as she walked the last few steps. It was only partially a relief to see that it was Toby standing there. Emily opened the door afraid that Paige had really gone to the police and that she was about to be hauled off to Welby again and charged with assault.

"Hey Emily." Toby said, "Don't worry I'm here on a social call, not anything formal." He could see the panic in her face, "I just wanted to talk to you."

Emily opened the door all the way and let Toby in before closing it and walking with him back into the living room. Emily curled up on one end of the couch as Toby sat on the other end and set his cap on the coffee table. Neither spoke for several moments. Emily reached up and turned off the TV so they could talk, but she didn't know what to say.

"Emily... what happened?" Toby asked gently, "I mean I know what happened but... I want to hear it from you."

Emily wasn't exactly sure how to go about telling Toby what had happened. How could she tell him that she had just snapped and beaten Paige for apparently no reason? Even worse, how could she tell him that it was for a reason, it was a reaction to what had happened in the Dollhouse. That Charlotte had broken her more than she had any of the others. She took a breath and realized that if she wanted to keep her freedom and didn't want to put Alison through the pain of having to send her back to Welby, that Toby was her best chance.

"I... Paige just said something that..." She paused, not even sure how to continue. She hadn't even told Dr. Sullivan about what had happened to her in the Dollhouse, so how could she tell her friends?

"Something that triggered something for you, didn't it?" Toby said understandingly. He'd been through his own demons and there were things that triggered him as well so he understood, to a point, what Emily was wrestling with, "It's ok. Tell me... tell me what happened."

Another long silence and Emily's eyes drifted up from what her lap and stared off into space, as though watching the whole thing unfold in front of her, "Charlotte would bring each of us in. One by one, into a dark room and we'd have to choose, which of us got food, or water that day, or which of us would be hurt. You know that. Spencer went through the same thing, but for me it was different. The point to Charlotte's torture of the others was compliance. She wanted blind obedience from her dolls, but for me it was a test of something far deeper. The other girls had only three switches. One for each of the rest of us, but she gave me four. The last one was Alison. At first... at first I thought it was Mona, that Charlotte was torturing Mona too, but after she played me a few audio clips and a short video of what looked like Ali being kidnapped, I was convinced that they had her." A tear found its way from Emily's eye as she spoke, "That's what she would do, she'd make me choose who would get hurt... me or Ali." She choked on her words for a moment, "And.. no.. no matter..." Her sobs came harder.

"No matter what she threatened you with, you took it." Toby finished the sentence, knowing Emily well enough to know that she would always sacrifice herself to save Alison.

"I wouldn't let her! I wouldn't let her hurt her." Emily exclaimed between sobs, "I... I lo..."

Toby scooted closer and put an arm around Emily as Emily sat and sobbed hard, her tears soaking into his jacket as she cried. Suddenly it made sense to Toby. Paige must have said something to Emily about choosing between Alison and something else, and in Emily's weakened state it had triggered a violently defensive reaction. There was nothing malicious in Emily's attack on Paige, just a reaction. He took deep sigh and sat Emily up, "You have to tell her."

Emily shook her head, "I can't. She's riddled with enough guilt over the things she's done to people in the past, she doesn't need this." Emily sniffled.

"You're not telling her to make her feel guilty, you're telling her because you love her, and she deserves to know how much." Toby said, "Trust me... you don't want to leave things unsaid because that leads to regrets and you don't want that either. There are so many things I wish I'd have said to Spencer, and maybe one day I'll say them." he took a breath, "She deserves to know. I can't make you tell her, but she deserves to know."

Emily just sat in silence, wrestling with her own mine, trying to quiet the voices she'd just awoken, the voices that would torture her continuously and never let her truly be free of the Dollhouse. Even as Toby got up to leave, Emily barely heard him talk, but she knew he was right. She was still very much in love with Alison. That's why she slept so much better beside the blonde, why she felt so much more peaceful when she was with her. Alison was her soul mate, there was no mistaking that. Emily knew what she had to do but as she heard Toby leave, her mind fought against her. How could she bring that much guilt on the woman she loved? How could she do that to Alison? She had enough going on, but she knew Alison had already seen the scars on her back, she knew that she'd heard the nightmare, and now this. Alison deserved to know the truth, and know that Emily was not some crazy killer. There had been a reason behind what she had done that day and it was Alison deserved to know.


End file.
